BUMMED.

We didnt get the house we put a bid on. I'm totally bummed. It felt so right for us.

Land of The Lost

An old old old Victorian house was being sold in a great neighborhood so we thought taking a trip may be worth while. Besides, I always did want to live in a doll house. We roll up to this place and on the roof seems to be a mailbox pinned to a window. Maybe it's a bird feeder? Who knows... in we go... what.....the........where are we? There are rocks and stones and gems and... wait, did Indiana Jones have a wife? Because if he did, we found her. I was sure that a stuffed raccoon would drop onto my head or I'd find old coins that I could steal and put on ebay. The kitchen was OLD. I mean, old. There was a wood burning stove in there (legit) and a room where the owner smuggled drugs from Mexico. She converted a large closet or something where I imagine they used to keep the sheep and goats before slaughtering (looked like a barn) and had boxes and shelves of foreign drugs which was pretty much Heliopathy Heaven. Upstairs she had a library filled with books who must have been published by all the strange people you've met in your life (the whacked Yoga Instructer, the crazy Psychologist etc etc). It was a dirty old messy gross house. No Barbie dream house here.

Where Are The Wheels?

Next we have a 2 be 1 ba ranch, great neighborhood again. We pull up and these words really come out of my boyfriends mouth... "where are the wheels." Ok so yes, this house was small. It was Disneyworld Daisy Duck house tall, but charming and in our price range so bite your tongue. We weren't in the mood to put the foot coverings on that they suggest so whatever, we're walkin around. Of COURSE the owner walks in 2 minutes after we are there and totally catches us scuffin up the joint but we just smile and say "hello..." and keep walking. The house takes all of 30 seconds to walk through, spitting distance. But oh lordy lord lord lord, why is the water heater in the kitchen? "Ma, the insta hot is broken, I need tea for my sore throat." "No problem honey, just go in the pantry and steam your face off with the water heater." Can you imagine?

Bump In The Night

What a CUTE house this was. A ranch in a GREAT neighborhood owned by the bank so it was a quick sale. We walk in, mom with the professional nose says it smells wet and mildew so we're a little skeptical but all is well. Oh the kitchen has no roof because it caved in, fine fine, no appliances, no problem... keep going keep going OH MY WORD, there's a bump that goes throughout the entire master bedroom. I'm sorry, not a bump more like a tidal wave. If you roll a quarter on it (which we did) it was COOL RUNNINGS II I mean full on Olympic status ski slope. Turns out the previous owner wanted to redo the house with his bare hands (my guess is, he used those same hands to take multiple trips to the bar down the road) I'm not even kidding you. There is a full on hill in the middle of the house. Can you picture it now: AND NEXT UP ON QVC WE HAVE DO IT YOURSELF CALF PUMPERS, JUST 4 MINUTES A DAY A LITTLE PUMP PUMP ON THE HOUSE HUMP AND YOU HAVE CALVES TO KILL! My guess is his ex wife is burried under the master bedroom. To make his addition even more incredible, the bathroom has a sewer plug in it. But not just in it, I mean right when you step out of the shower. You'll have to amputate your toe from stubbing it so many times. Or if you're really lucky, the sewer will over flow and you'll have poo poo water in your bathroom/bedroom.

I'm Dreaming of a White.......... what?

I'm writing a check to bid on an adorable house (not giving details do not want to jinx) and my brother calls "Can I call u back?" I ask. "The world is ending. I'm getting the video camera. Golf balls are falling out of the sky." Ummmmmmmmmmmm not here, on this beautiful July day while I'm handing over a few thousand dollars and signing my bubble script name and trying so hard not to draw a heart over the "i" in my name and THUNK THUNK THUNK THUNK THUNK THUNK. Dear all knowing spirit above, why is it hailing in July? Is this the new way of saying that I'll only buy a house "when pigs fly" but instead, they were all killed by Swine so we're throwing Ice instead?

Awesome.

DINNER BELL

J'adorable little home with property up to wazoo. The house was being sold for nothing (someone must have died in it, or cat's are in the walls or something). The house was a charmer. The neighbors, not my style but hey, for this price I'll make friends with anyone. I was speaking to one of the neighbors and asked him what it was like to live near the firehouse (this place was directly behind it). He said it wasn't so bad because the sirens don't go off just the lights. But, every night at 6p by law, the fire engine needs to test it's bell. "No big deal" the neighbor said because he was usually at work when it happened. The street was nice and quiet and the kids liked to bike up and down. Charming. Our best friends were up for the weekend and wanted them to check out the place- and I wanted to hear this bell before we put a bid in. So it's 5:57, we're walking around the property and all of a sudden the Church bells from down the block chime. Deep sigh of relief as we all realized "no biggie" we could hear that every night at 6p it's rather delightful actually. As I turn around the walk towards the home I hear "ERRRRRRRRRRRR ERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR ERRRRRRRRRR" think http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MLsrEw4dBT0 but 800x louder. Within .01 seconds of the horn I start hysterical crying, my boyfriend turns pale as a ghost and our friends were like "Whelp lets go." We were in the car in half of a millifraction later and still have yet to tell my mom because I don't want to hear " I told you so!!!!"

+ 1/2 Bath.

On a large corner lot we walked into a split level. Completely over priced indeed but worth seeing I guess. The upstairs was hot and muggy with some whack sideways expanded master bedroom. Everything was carpeted. We walk through this room in hopes of finding a bathroom they had listed. Ok, bed, dresser, walk in closet, pivot to the right and VOILA! a carpeted half bath conveniently located in your WALK IN CLOSET. After we were done hysterical laughing we decided it was time to go downstairs to see the rest of the house. The original cabinetry was bad enough but down the den we go on our way out. But where is this other 1/2 bath they speak of? Inside the laundry room (which was just a room with an open duct ceiling) there's a washer, dryer, toilet... wait hold up, TOILET? in the "laundry room?" Oh yes. That's right, located in perfect reach of the washing machine and dryer you can poop and fold your clothes. Need toilet paper? No problem, reach to the roll that is soldered to the water heater and wipe away.

The Son in the Basement

So a ridiculously shittacular home was for sale in a McMansion neighborhood. Couldn't let it go. It was a 3 bed 2 bath ranch with a great basement aka "Man Cave" as the boyfriend likes to call it. REWIND......... pull up to this house with a row of trees in front of the house (uber awk) The door opens and this greasy tan half naked man opens the door "yea come in, come in." Ok... there's shit everywhere. Like garage sale x100. Random people in the house (we couldn't tell if they were working on the house or buying things) and literally can't see the floor in some rooms. The lady who lived in the house was taking stacks of money out from under the mattress in the master bedroom. OH THE BATHROOMS, I forgot!!!! There is one HOT PINK bathroom and one BLUE bathroom. It was like boys vs girls. But worse. It was like Barbie's Hot Pink Corvette on crack, struggle status.

We go downstairs to the basement and naked man is sitting with his feet on the bar. "I never forget a face" he says to our Realtor. "I know you, you've been here before" ........ yea our realtor hasn't. We asked if we could go outside hes like "Yea I dont give a shit do whatever you want." Fast Forward, round 2 on non-garage sale day. Same half naked man opens the door. "I knew you'd be back" he says. We stroll through the house again, he kicks us out because he needs to shower. We remember that the original posting said "Son living in the basement." Could this be the son they were talking about? he looked 40 years old! We put a low ball bid on the house because really it was a gem in this neighborhood. Definitely needed A LOT OF WORK but was something we couldn't pass up. We unfortunately lost the bid by only $20,000 which is NOTHING over 30 years but we couldn't front the money. Always another home.

In Law Under 4' Only

  Interesting house, half-assed on the remodeling. There's literally a dance floor looking room in the kitchen area (which is the only room redone so far). The floor is black and white checkered - very sexy for a tango lesson. (mind you, the room is set down a step so legit is like a dance studio!). There's a bathroom off of Tango Island which is kind of cool - oh except that it has no sink... not a problem really is it? I mean, if you use the bathroom you could potentially wash your hands in the shower right? Enough of that, the upstairs has very small rooms, cleary not buying this house but always an adventure. So, downstairs is supposedly a bathroom, kitchen and living quarters (In-Law Suite). I'm only 5'2" so I'm not one to complain about short ceilings - but seriously... this house was 100% built by an Italian family or a Jew because only a Mamma Mia or a Grandma Babushka could have fit down there. I was bending down! (ok maybe I'm being a little dramatic but really). Definitely a home for someone, but not for us, NEXT!

Publish Post

Guy Loves Head

We pull up to this house on a street with a few houses that are redone, not bad.... until we see the house we are supposed to see. Now, not only is there a giant RV in the driveway, but the owner is beer belly out hosing it down. Inside we go, just like walkin into a box of Marlboros. The door in the kitchen is held up with duct tape, yup you heard me. White trash wifey closes her email in the office/cat sanctuary/dining room and leads us to the kitchen. The husband asks us if we'd like to see the basement, aka best room in the house but fair warning, "Taxedermy" downstairs. No thanks on my end says the vegetarian, but the boyfriend braves the storm. Meanwhile, me and mom take all of the 20 steps it takes to get around the house and have to make up a story about the cat doing something funny to hide our obnoxious laughter. My boyfriend explained downstairs as "slaughterhouse" (think Ace Ventura 2). There were horned rabbits, deers with their tongues touching - weird shit. We go upstairs to find the entire wall stacked with boxed trains?!!??! Where are we!!!!!!! Needless to say, we didn't put a bid in.

CAC

Oh. Man........ we're in a house, "the boyfriend" looks at the Realtor and says, excuse me, but does this have any CAC? She turns pale. "CAC?" she asks. "Yes, Central Air?" I guess you had to be there... but ohhhhh weee give it a try

Kitty Always Lands On All Fours

One of my favorite quotes from Arrested Development is from Tobias Funke: "I always end up on all fours... like a cat" ( he is by far the best character in the world: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E2NFShOeoOo) ANYWAY............. were in this cool house 4be/2ba huge property, although doesn't have a dishwasher, central air or garage........ we'll talk about that later....... and there's a sign on the door that says "DON'T LET THE CAT OUT." I ask the realtor what kind of cat it is and she says she hasn't seen it. So we go downstairs. There's literaly TREES hanging down from the ceiling (what is this, the Secret Garden?) we're doin our thing lookin' around etc etc and all of a sudden HOLY MOTHER OF BALLS a cat falls out of the ceiling and lands on the washing machine. Not only did I have to change my pants, but this freaking cat was glaring at me. Needless to say, I was out of that house in 2.5.

Nazi Pants

So I shit you not. This really did happen. We're in this very affluent town in Northern NJ where a bazillion and one girls from my summer camp and college grew up. Gorgeous town. We go down this shady little street, very quaint and cute. Walk into a home and BAM.... a giant framed Swastika is staring in our faces. So my boyfriend, who has a great sense of humor starts going through the house whispering "where do they keep the Jews?" We went upstairs and in the dark closet he peeks and hes like "Moise are you in here?"

Crunch Time.

Me and my boyfriend of 4 years are on the hunt for a perfect first house. It's been a long long process.  As a first time buyer, you are entitled to frustration, depression and lots of late night website searching. But ALAS! there are other parts of the process that are actually interesting.

 
I am currently living at home and trying to get out of the house before my brother goes off to college in order to alleviate some self inflicted guilt of leaving my mom alone in a big beautiful house. It's crunch time! I have exactly 1 year to get my stuff together. However, we are entitled to $8k from the government as long as we are closed by Dec 1 2009. Ok there you go.... now on to the real purpose of this blog.

Let's get to the houses. I mean really, if you look at some of these websites you feel sorry for the souls who currently live in these abodes. None of this reflects our realtor, most of it is simply because me and my boyfriend aint rollin' around in dough (and I'm a picky one!) Each of these really deserve their own post... so please enjoy!