Appraisal and Such

Our appraisal came back and we have completed that, our chimney inspection and received our official mortgage approval! It's all really happening. We went to Home Depot this weekend and checked out some appliances, lighting fixtures etc. It was pretty cool. The owners let us come over and pick out the paint for the upstairs. Unfortunately, the addition's ceiling is too low to put a bed up there (or you just never sit up in bed that's fine right?) so I guess the upstairs will become my office and we'll just have to find a way to make the 2nd bedroom a guest room. Definitely will be tough but we'll work it out! We are almost there!!

CONSTRUCTION PICTURESSSSS

Here is the attic in it's current state - super cute, right?

Home Inspection!

We had our home inspection on Sunday! It was a very educational 3 hours with our fabulous inspector Peter Russell (who I highly recommend for NJ!) He knew everything about a house from roof to windows, boiler to piping. What an incredible job, knowing the anatomy of a house. We started at the top and worked our way to the basement.

They have already started construction on the new upstairs and it looks fabulous! The owners put the walk-in closet in the back where the bathroom will eventually be and installed a huge skylight which brings so much light into the room. Right now, only electric is installed but we can get a sense of what it will look like.

The house is a lot creekier than we remember, which sucks because now I'll get caught sneaking for popcorn in the middle of the night!!

The kitchen... was interesting. Last time we were there, all of the appliances were white minus the dishwasher. The room looks horrible with which appliances, and looked stupid with a black dishwasher....... but I'll pick and chose my battles. Wait, but this timeeeeeeeeee, the dishwasher was WHITE! Why would they get a new one!!!???

The rest of the house was how we left it, charming and adorable, like a fat little meatball.

We have to schedule a chimney inspection b/c the flue hasn't been cleaned in 10 years! mama mia!

So, we are OUT of attorney review, inspection is complete, next is appraisal, then shopping :)

HOME SWEET HOME!

I've been MIA for a while mostly because I've been holding my breath. Two Saturdays ago in a town far far away (8 mins from home!) we walked into this little cottage in the town we love in a fabulous neighborhood. It had 2 bedrooms, a newly finished kitchen, fireplace (wood burning stove), finished basement, new garage (1.5) and a garden. It was picturesque and my mom came to see it. We really loved it and decided to low ball them. They rejected our bid and counter offered and decided they would finish the huge attic for an additional 5k. We were like um yea obvi! So we countered to their counter and said we'll do the upstairs as long as we have some say in it. We decided to meet up the next weekend with both families and go there to sketch the plans with the owners for the upstairs. When we got there the walls were already studded with frames. I was furious and bummed. Not only did they start working the day after we saw the house and didn't tell us, we were now forced to pay the extra money to finish the room, to their liking (if we said no and stop the work they would have literally left it with frames, nu no.) A week later of counter offering we are here, in ATTORNEY REVIEW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I can't believe it's really happening. It's going to be the cutest house in the whole world (if all works out). Oh, did I mention that the owner is off her rocker? Legit. That's what makes me nervous. One day she's tea and crumpets and the next she's rebuilding a room. I'm afraid they will end up billing us in the end for everything they've put into the house so I'm not getting TOO excited. But if this house really comes together it will be worth the painstaking long months of hope and despair.... fingers crossed!!!

I Pledge Allegiance to the flag of the fattest people in the world.

We roll up to this house that's sort of eh, not bad. First of all, there's a flagpole. My bf already is planning to hang lingerie or something and I'm already googling flagpole removal companies (hey my friend in conn might have the number xoxo!!) Inside, the dad is still getting dressed, son is coloring and fat little pudgy baby is watching Blue Clues in the master bedroom. There's also a rat, which they call "dog" running around. The house is fine, nothing special, except of course the ever so classic hot pink and baby blue matching bathrooms (WHAT IS IT ABOUT THAT STYLE!!!)The house doesn't take long to go through, hot tub outside, 3beds, 2ba, full basement, death notice... WHAT? By the treadmill hidden on a gym locker is the picture above. Ok #1... that's horrible. Talk about obsessed with getting fit. #2 your house is on sale, obviously people will see it and of course assholes like us will take pictures and post it online. On our way back up the stairs I couldn't even look at her without cracking up.

Peeping Tom Comes to Dinner

It's always that one house that you love in the best neighborhood that's hanging on the most dangerous corner in town right? We found a delightful little ranch with everything we could have wanted, except the main road running alongside. Inside, it's the bedrooms that face the main road. If it were the den or something I'm pretty sure I could deal with it, but don't need a creeper coming up to my bedroom at night and bumpin' in the night to my dreams.

Hide and Go Seek

And we're back! Another round of house hunting in the mix here. We were in this really adorable house. It was built around the Civil War, and not updated since then. One of the bedrooms had a single bed almost hanging out of the doorway with a precious and scary looking doll chillin on the bed. It felt like a house from Nickelodeons "Are You Afraid of the Dark" with creepy storage bins in the walls and stuff. We even found a Maccabi Game gym bag, right next to a Bible excerpt/Irish Catholic prayer, somethin' funky was going on. ANYWAY... we go down to the basement and there are toys everywhere. It was all fine, but there in the open area is a little red chair... hey little buddy, what you hidin under there? OH... the sewer drain. I don't want to play musical chairs and end up with a butt plug. thanks, I'll pass.

ROLLING HILLS OF GREEN

Now if any of you know me I'm a broccoli freak, I mean, if I could come back as anything in the world it would be a stalk of broccoli. I love it. Anyway, we're in this house (that smells of DOG) and clearly we're not buying it. There is crap all over the place (and they had an open house that day, you would think maybe a cleaning lady would come do a sweep). In the dining room there's a portrait of broccoli - it was like my calling! I knew then and there that a house was soon going to smack me in the face and make me fall in love. It was like my baby broccoli Buddha, glaring at me, telling me to hold on tight and soon my home sweet home was approaching. Maybe the stench was just making me hallucinate?

WHEN NATURE CALLS

It took 3 seconds to realize that this wasn't my dream house, but we took a look inside anyway. The mildewed water smell could burn your nostrils and the floor was warped from the water intake. Outside. We go around the side of the house, already ankle deep in mud from the heavy rain but a little ball of fluff is sitting there. How cute, a gopher, going number 2? I mean I know it rained a lot here, but the property soaks up mud and is a dumping ground for forest life? nextttt!

BUMMED.

We didnt get the house we put a bid on. I'm totally bummed. It felt so right for us.

Land of The Lost

An old old old Victorian house was being sold in a great neighborhood so we thought taking a trip may be worth while. Besides, I always did want to live in a doll house. We roll up to this place and on the roof seems to be a mailbox pinned to a window. Maybe it's a bird feeder? Who knows... in we go... what.....the........where are we? There are rocks and stones and gems and... wait, did Indiana Jones have a wife? Because if he did, we found her. I was sure that a stuffed raccoon would drop onto my head or I'd find old coins that I could steal and put on ebay. The kitchen was OLD. I mean, old. There was a wood burning stove in there (legit) and a room where the owner smuggled drugs from Mexico. She converted a large closet or something where I imagine they used to keep the sheep and goats before slaughtering (looked like a barn) and had boxes and shelves of foreign drugs which was pretty much Heliopathy Heaven. Upstairs she had a library filled with books who must have been published by all the strange people you've met in your life (the whacked Yoga Instructer, the crazy Psychologist etc etc). It was a dirty old messy gross house. No Barbie dream house here.

Where Are The Wheels?

Next we have a 2 be 1 ba ranch, great neighborhood again. We pull up and these words really come out of my boyfriends mouth... "where are the wheels." Ok so yes, this house was small. It was Disneyworld Daisy Duck house tall, but charming and in our price range so bite your tongue. We weren't in the mood to put the foot coverings on that they suggest so whatever, we're walkin around. Of COURSE the owner walks in 2 minutes after we are there and totally catches us scuffin up the joint but we just smile and say "hello..." and keep walking. The house takes all of 30 seconds to walk through, spitting distance. But oh lordy lord lord lord, why is the water heater in the kitchen? "Ma, the insta hot is broken, I need tea for my sore throat." "No problem honey, just go in the pantry and steam your face off with the water heater." Can you imagine?

Bump In The Night

What a CUTE house this was. A ranch in a GREAT neighborhood owned by the bank so it was a quick sale. We walk in, mom with the professional nose says it smells wet and mildew so we're a little skeptical but all is well. Oh the kitchen has no roof because it caved in, fine fine, no appliances, no problem... keep going keep going OH MY WORD, there's a bump that goes throughout the entire master bedroom. I'm sorry, not a bump more like a tidal wave. If you roll a quarter on it (which we did) it was COOL RUNNINGS II I mean full on Olympic status ski slope. Turns out the previous owner wanted to redo the house with his bare hands (my guess is, he used those same hands to take multiple trips to the bar down the road) I'm not even kidding you. There is a full on hill in the middle of the house. Can you picture it now: AND NEXT UP ON QVC WE HAVE DO IT YOURSELF CALF PUMPERS, JUST 4 MINUTES A DAY A LITTLE PUMP PUMP ON THE HOUSE HUMP AND YOU HAVE CALVES TO KILL! My guess is his ex wife is burried under the master bedroom. To make his addition even more incredible, the bathroom has a sewer plug in it. But not just in it, I mean right when you step out of the shower. You'll have to amputate your toe from stubbing it so many times. Or if you're really lucky, the sewer will over flow and you'll have poo poo water in your bathroom/bedroom.

I'm Dreaming of a White.......... what?

I'm writing a check to bid on an adorable house (not giving details do not want to jinx) and my brother calls "Can I call u back?" I ask. "The world is ending. I'm getting the video camera. Golf balls are falling out of the sky." Ummmmmmmmmmmm not here, on this beautiful July day while I'm handing over a few thousand dollars and signing my bubble script name and trying so hard not to draw a heart over the "i" in my name and THUNK THUNK THUNK THUNK THUNK THUNK. Dear all knowing spirit above, why is it hailing in July? Is this the new way of saying that I'll only buy a house "when pigs fly" but instead, they were all killed by Swine so we're throwing Ice instead?

Awesome.

DINNER BELL

J'adorable little home with property up to wazoo. The house was being sold for nothing (someone must have died in it, or cat's are in the walls or something). The house was a charmer. The neighbors, not my style but hey, for this price I'll make friends with anyone. I was speaking to one of the neighbors and asked him what it was like to live near the firehouse (this place was directly behind it). He said it wasn't so bad because the sirens don't go off just the lights. But, every night at 6p by law, the fire engine needs to test it's bell. "No big deal" the neighbor said because he was usually at work when it happened. The street was nice and quiet and the kids liked to bike up and down. Charming. Our best friends were up for the weekend and wanted them to check out the place- and I wanted to hear this bell before we put a bid in. So it's 5:57, we're walking around the property and all of a sudden the Church bells from down the block chime. Deep sigh of relief as we all realized "no biggie" we could hear that every night at 6p it's rather delightful actually. As I turn around the walk towards the home I hear "ERRRRRRRRRRRR ERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR ERRRRRRRRRR" think http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MLsrEw4dBT0 but 800x louder. Within .01 seconds of the horn I start hysterical crying, my boyfriend turns pale as a ghost and our friends were like "Whelp lets go." We were in the car in half of a millifraction later and still have yet to tell my mom because I don't want to hear " I told you so!!!!"

+ 1/2 Bath.

On a large corner lot we walked into a split level. Completely over priced indeed but worth seeing I guess. The upstairs was hot and muggy with some whack sideways expanded master bedroom. Everything was carpeted. We walk through this room in hopes of finding a bathroom they had listed. Ok, bed, dresser, walk in closet, pivot to the right and VOILA! a carpeted half bath conveniently located in your WALK IN CLOSET. After we were done hysterical laughing we decided it was time to go downstairs to see the rest of the house. The original cabinetry was bad enough but down the den we go on our way out. But where is this other 1/2 bath they speak of? Inside the laundry room (which was just a room with an open duct ceiling) there's a washer, dryer, toilet... wait hold up, TOILET? in the "laundry room?" Oh yes. That's right, located in perfect reach of the washing machine and dryer you can poop and fold your clothes. Need toilet paper? No problem, reach to the roll that is soldered to the water heater and wipe away.

The Son in the Basement

So a ridiculously shittacular home was for sale in a McMansion neighborhood. Couldn't let it go. It was a 3 bed 2 bath ranch with a great basement aka "Man Cave" as the boyfriend likes to call it. REWIND......... pull up to this house with a row of trees in front of the house (uber awk) The door opens and this greasy tan half naked man opens the door "yea come in, come in." Ok... there's shit everywhere. Like garage sale x100. Random people in the house (we couldn't tell if they were working on the house or buying things) and literally can't see the floor in some rooms. The lady who lived in the house was taking stacks of money out from under the mattress in the master bedroom. OH THE BATHROOMS, I forgot!!!! There is one HOT PINK bathroom and one BLUE bathroom. It was like boys vs girls. But worse. It was like Barbie's Hot Pink Corvette on crack, struggle status.

We go downstairs to the basement and naked man is sitting with his feet on the bar. "I never forget a face" he says to our Realtor. "I know you, you've been here before" ........ yea our realtor hasn't. We asked if we could go outside hes like "Yea I dont give a shit do whatever you want." Fast Forward, round 2 on non-garage sale day. Same half naked man opens the door. "I knew you'd be back" he says. We stroll through the house again, he kicks us out because he needs to shower. We remember that the original posting said "Son living in the basement." Could this be the son they were talking about? he looked 40 years old! We put a low ball bid on the house because really it was a gem in this neighborhood. Definitely needed A LOT OF WORK but was something we couldn't pass up. We unfortunately lost the bid by only $20,000 which is NOTHING over 30 years but we couldn't front the money. Always another home.

In Law Under 4' Only

  Interesting house, half-assed on the remodeling. There's literally a dance floor looking room in the kitchen area (which is the only room redone so far). The floor is black and white checkered - very sexy for a tango lesson. (mind you, the room is set down a step so legit is like a dance studio!). There's a bathroom off of Tango Island which is kind of cool - oh except that it has no sink... not a problem really is it? I mean, if you use the bathroom you could potentially wash your hands in the shower right? Enough of that, the upstairs has very small rooms, cleary not buying this house but always an adventure. So, downstairs is supposedly a bathroom, kitchen and living quarters (In-Law Suite). I'm only 5'2" so I'm not one to complain about short ceilings - but seriously... this house was 100% built by an Italian family or a Jew because only a Mamma Mia or a Grandma Babushka could have fit down there. I was bending down! (ok maybe I'm being a little dramatic but really). Definitely a home for someone, but not for us, NEXT!

Publish Post

Guy Loves Head

We pull up to this house on a street with a few houses that are redone, not bad.... until we see the house we are supposed to see. Now, not only is there a giant RV in the driveway, but the owner is beer belly out hosing it down. Inside we go, just like walkin into a box of Marlboros. The door in the kitchen is held up with duct tape, yup you heard me. White trash wifey closes her email in the office/cat sanctuary/dining room and leads us to the kitchen. The husband asks us if we'd like to see the basement, aka best room in the house but fair warning, "Taxedermy" downstairs. No thanks on my end says the vegetarian, but the boyfriend braves the storm. Meanwhile, me and mom take all of the 20 steps it takes to get around the house and have to make up a story about the cat doing something funny to hide our obnoxious laughter. My boyfriend explained downstairs as "slaughterhouse" (think Ace Ventura 2). There were horned rabbits, deers with their tongues touching - weird shit. We go upstairs to find the entire wall stacked with boxed trains?!!??! Where are we!!!!!!! Needless to say, we didn't put a bid in.

CAC

Oh. Man........ we're in a house, "the boyfriend" looks at the Realtor and says, excuse me, but does this have any CAC? She turns pale. "CAC?" she asks. "Yes, Central Air?" I guess you had to be there... but ohhhhh weee give it a try

Kitty Always Lands On All Fours

One of my favorite quotes from Arrested Development is from Tobias Funke: "I always end up on all fours... like a cat" ( he is by far the best character in the world: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E2NFShOeoOo) ANYWAY............. were in this cool house 4be/2ba huge property, although doesn't have a dishwasher, central air or garage........ we'll talk about that later....... and there's a sign on the door that says "DON'T LET THE CAT OUT." I ask the realtor what kind of cat it is and she says she hasn't seen it. So we go downstairs. There's literaly TREES hanging down from the ceiling (what is this, the Secret Garden?) we're doin our thing lookin' around etc etc and all of a sudden HOLY MOTHER OF BALLS a cat falls out of the ceiling and lands on the washing machine. Not only did I have to change my pants, but this freaking cat was glaring at me. Needless to say, I was out of that house in 2.5.

Nazi Pants

So I shit you not. This really did happen. We're in this very affluent town in Northern NJ where a bazillion and one girls from my summer camp and college grew up. Gorgeous town. We go down this shady little street, very quaint and cute. Walk into a home and BAM.... a giant framed Swastika is staring in our faces. So my boyfriend, who has a great sense of humor starts going through the house whispering "where do they keep the Jews?" We went upstairs and in the dark closet he peeks and hes like "Moise are you in here?"

Crunch Time.

Me and my boyfriend of 4 years are on the hunt for a perfect first house. It's been a long long process.  As a first time buyer, you are entitled to frustration, depression and lots of late night website searching. But ALAS! there are other parts of the process that are actually interesting.

 
I am currently living at home and trying to get out of the house before my brother goes off to college in order to alleviate some self inflicted guilt of leaving my mom alone in a big beautiful house. It's crunch time! I have exactly 1 year to get my stuff together. However, we are entitled to $8k from the government as long as we are closed by Dec 1 2009. Ok there you go.... now on to the real purpose of this blog.

Let's get to the houses. I mean really, if you look at some of these websites you feel sorry for the souls who currently live in these abodes. None of this reflects our realtor, most of it is simply because me and my boyfriend aint rollin' around in dough (and I'm a picky one!) Each of these really deserve their own post... so please enjoy!